Don’t make your partner your child…..

The other day one of my friend very proudly claimed that her husband is like a kid and needs to be taken care of, although she meant this in a very cute or romantic sense I surely felt bad for her. 

We often get into relationships or arrangement of marriage not to take on responsibility of taking care of another adult but to enhance, enrich, challenge, support and guide each other through this amazing journey of life.  

Although when I got into wedlock it was made to believe that I am now responsible for my husband’s needs, happiness and well-being and not only him but his extended family as well. So the pressure on me was immense and I had made it my life’s mission to ensure my husband’s needs are met and he is “Happy” all the time but realized much later that this is like chasing the endless pit in a long tunnel which led to eternity.  

This notion with which marriages are built are flawed and everyone involved in any kind of relationships should stop expecting the other to “take care” of their needs.  

There is a caveat though - This of course applies to normal circumstances and situations not when one of the partner is bed ridden or has aliments which of course warrants providing physical attentions and time to help and support. 

In the normal scenarios we as responsible matured adults really don’t need our partner to “take care” of us but act as catalyst to challenge us in the right way, enhance our life experiences by sharing time and space, enrich our lives by intellectually stimulating and nurturing, supporting and guiding when there is a need for the same, to encourage each other to go beyond the boundaries, to explore life beyond the usual. All this can only be possible when each of the partner in their own way feel complete and self-sufficient, if each partner holds the other responsible for their own happiness & well-being then this surely is a recipe for disaster. 

Instead we need to invest time and effort to build ourselves and own our own happiness and nurture our own passions and goals independent of which phase of life journey our partners are. There has to be a sense of feeling complete with oneself without needing the partner for anything and it is only in this space that true partnership can nurture.  

So it is important to assess if all your relationship is “need” based or “want “based and there is a vast difference between the both. A need based relationship is basically where you are indicating that without the other person you simply cannot function or live but a want based relationship is indicating that we can very well function in our life but by having this person in my life will surely enhance, enrich and magnify my experience of this beautiful journey. 

Some of us may argue then why get into a marriage or relationship if we are complete within ourselves or that we don’t need our partners for anything and this is a fair point for people who have not yet figured out the power of being self- sufficient and the immense amount of liberation this brings that will propel in moving the relationships from “need” to “want”. 

Once you are in this space then you can see your partner as an individual and a person as whole with his/her own likes & dislikes and not someone who is there to “take care” of you or as the owner of your “happiness”.  This really frees up all the space, time and energy to invest back into yourself, into figuring out your life purpose, your goals and also give enough space for your partner to go through the same process and this can be a very liberating process for both involved. 

I must admit it is not easy to get into this space as there are always expectations built around relationships/marriages and what each other has to offer to keep the relationship/marriage going but if each adult in the relationship is clear that their well-being is their OWN responsibility then there is scope of nurturing the relationship is many other ways which are beyond the traditional way of looking at a healthy relationship. This will foster a natural connection of Love, affection, compassion which will bring the two people together in a much deeper bond and connection that only a few get to experience. 

For me personally a true partner has to be someone with whom you share similar values and life goals (not same but similar) , it has to be someone who can be brutally honest in giving feedback but with a good intent, it has to be someone who can challenge and push you to go beyond cause they believe you can, it has to be someone with whom you can just sit, not talk and yet feel absolutely comfortable and loved, it has to be someone with whom you can share all your vulnerabilities and yet feel safe, it has to be someone with whom you can just be yourself and don’t have to worry about a thing and the most important piece would be to give each other enough space to lead lives individually yet connected so deeply and spiritually. This level of connection and partnership goes beyond just trying to take care of each other or trying to keep the other person happy by doing things as per their definitions of happiness. 

These kind of connections need to be worked on and only two absolutely matured adults are capable of such profound relationships and connection but once you get there it is pure bliss and the dimension in which we live our lives magnifies and this gives wings for you to stretch and expand beyond imaginations. 

Don’t make your relationships your burden, turn them into your vehicle to enhance your own journey and in this process we will invariable enhance their lives too. 

Far too many people are burdened by relationships because there is a sense of responsibility for the other person’s happiness and well-being and this often involves doing things against one’s own will and liking and this causes immense stress and strain which will invariably affect the relationship so stop and rethink on how you approach your relationship and make it a enabling and enriching journey than a disabling and demotivating arrangement.

 

 

People who we wrap around us ....

For better or worse the kind of people in our lives to a great extent determines the quality of life we live and the ideology and familiarity we wrap ourselves around. There was a great book I read couple of years ago called willful blindness and one of the key points emphasized was how we unconsciously surround ourselves with people who are similar to us and our belief and value systems as it feels safe and it feels right as there is no one who really will challenge our way of thinking and we are validating each other’s belief systems.

From my personal experience the kind of interactions we have shapes up our thinking and how we see life, our close group of people influence our way of thinking and living and add depth and volume to how we live. None of us can live in isolation so it is very important to pick and choose the right mix of people around us. Mix for me could be people with whom you can share your personal space, people with whom you can experience intellectual stimulation, people with whom you can just have a chilled out time, people with whom you can have deep meaningful conversations, people with whom you can just be yourself without trying too hard to please .

It is optimal if we can find the right mix as it will enrich our lives ways beyond our imagination and it will push you to become more than what you think of yourself and it will push your thinking and boundaries to unchartered territories and lets you experience life beyond what you know and have seen.

But beyond all these close circle of people around us it is also important to have that one person who comes into your personal space which is much more a sacred space which you share only with your own self or there is room for just one other person. To get into this space this person has to be someone with whom you deeply connect at many levels and it’s a relationship that binds the souls and the energies.

The person who is able to come into this space has to be someone really special and will change our lives inside out, I don’t want to call this person soul mate as for me if someone makes it to this space then they have to be much more than soul mates. This person will be capable of triggering some of the most intense emotions and create gamut of changes by challenging, nudging and nurturing all the way through. Being with person is life changing and transformational as they really question the status quo, question our beliefs, our habits, our patterns and makes you sit back and think and will motivate or push you to change.

This person is capable of lifting you up and pulling you down at the same time, they can protect and dismiss at the same time, they can nurture and they can abandon at the same but the underlying bond will not be affected between the two as we give each other the freedom to be just raw with our emotions and how we feel and we don’t feel the overt need to please or impress which basically takes away all the masks and we are just for lack of better word simply naked with each other and show our deep rooted vulnerabilities, our flaws, our fears, our demons and the fact that the relationship is so deeply connected we simply cannot untangle this person out of our hearts and energies even if the person leaves or abandons physically from your day to day life.

If we ever find this sort of connection with anyone then don’t let them go, hold on to them even if the path feels tough and troubled, even if it hurts and bleeds for some bonds in life are so precious that we just need to hold on it as it will prove its worth in the years to come and in a world where people are constantly putting on masks and living in lies it is rare we find anyone who is willing to open up their vulnerabilities and show us their naked self and we feel safe to show ours .

I personally feel only few gifted people will ever find this sort of deep rooted connection and if you have found one then you should consider yourself blessed and lucky as you are experiencing life in much more depth and richness that most people don’t even get to taste.