The other day one of my friend very proudly
claimed that her husband is like a kid and needs to be taken care of, although
she meant this in a very cute or romantic sense I surely felt bad for her.
We often get into relationships or
arrangement of marriage not to take on responsibility of taking care of another
adult but to enhance, enrich, challenge, support and guide each other through
this amazing journey of life.
Although when I got into wedlock it was
made to believe that I am now responsible for my husband’s needs, happiness and
well-being and not only him but his extended family as well. So the pressure on
me was immense and I had made it my life’s mission to ensure my husband’s needs
are met and he is “Happy” all the time but realized much later that this is
like chasing the endless pit in a long tunnel which led to eternity.
This notion with which marriages are built
are flawed and everyone involved in any kind of relationships should stop
expecting the other to “take care” of their needs.
There is a caveat though - This of course
applies to normal circumstances and situations not when one of the partner is
bed ridden or has aliments which of course warrants providing physical
attentions and time to help and support.
In the normal scenarios we as responsible
matured adults really don’t need our partner to “take care” of us but act as
catalyst to challenge us in the right way, enhance our life experiences by
sharing time and space, enrich our lives by intellectually stimulating and nurturing,
supporting and guiding when there is a need for the same, to encourage each
other to go beyond the boundaries, to explore life beyond the usual. All this
can only be possible when each of the partner in their own way feel complete
and self-sufficient, if each partner holds the other responsible for their own
happiness & well-being then this surely is a recipe for disaster.
Instead we need to invest time and effort
to build ourselves and own our own happiness and nurture our own passions and
goals independent of which phase of life journey our partners are. There has to
be a sense of feeling complete with oneself without needing the partner for
anything and it is only in this space that true partnership can nurture.
So it is important to assess if all your
relationship is “need” based or “want “based and there is a vast difference
between the both. A need based relationship is basically where you are
indicating that without the other person you simply cannot function or live but
a want based relationship is indicating that we can very well function in our
life but by having this person in my life will surely enhance, enrich and
magnify my experience of this beautiful journey.
Some of us may argue then why get into a
marriage or relationship if we are complete within ourselves or that we don’t
need our partners for anything and this is a fair point for people who have not
yet figured out the power of being self- sufficient and the immense amount of
liberation this brings that will propel in moving the relationships from “need”
to “want”.
Once you are in this space then you can see
your partner as an individual and a person as whole with his/her own likes
& dislikes and not someone who is there to “take care” of you or as the
owner of your “happiness”. This really
frees up all the space, time and energy to invest back into yourself, into
figuring out your life purpose, your goals and also give enough space for your
partner to go through the same process and this can be a very liberating
process for both involved.
I must admit it is not easy to get into
this space as there are always expectations built around relationships/marriages
and what each other has to offer to keep the relationship/marriage going but if
each adult in the relationship is clear that their well-being is their OWN
responsibility then there is scope of nurturing the relationship is many other
ways which are beyond the traditional way of looking at a healthy relationship.
This will foster a natural connection of Love, affection, compassion which will
bring the two people together in a much deeper bond and connection that only a
few get to experience.
For me personally a true partner has to be
someone with whom you share similar values and life goals (not same but
similar) , it has to be someone who can be brutally honest in giving feedback
but with a good intent, it has to be someone who can challenge and push you to
go beyond cause they believe you can, it has to be someone with whom you can
just sit, not talk and yet feel absolutely comfortable and loved, it has to be
someone with whom you can share all your vulnerabilities and yet feel safe, it
has to be someone with whom you can just be yourself and don’t have to worry
about a thing and the most important piece would be to give each other enough
space to lead lives individually yet connected so deeply and spiritually. This
level of connection and partnership goes beyond just trying to take care of each
other or trying to keep the other person happy by doing things as per their
definitions of happiness.
These kind of connections need to be worked
on and only two absolutely matured adults are capable of such profound
relationships and connection but once you get there it is pure bliss and the
dimension in which we live our lives magnifies and this gives wings for you to
stretch and expand beyond imaginations.
Don’t make your relationships your burden,
turn them into your vehicle to enhance your own journey and in this process we
will invariable enhance their lives too.
Far too many people are burdened by
relationships because there is a sense of responsibility for the other person’s
happiness and well-being and this often involves doing things against one’s own
will and liking and this causes immense stress and strain which will invariably
affect the relationship so stop and rethink on how you approach your
relationship and make it a enabling and enriching journey than a disabling and
demotivating arrangement.
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