Expectations.. why does it fail us every time !!

Ex-pec-ta-tion – is the act or state of expecting ; As human beings its quite natural we EXPECT in all situations, be it from our relationships, our jobs, our community and list can go on and on and similarly we are also constantly trying to live up to expectations from our relationships, our jobs etc., so it’s a two way street and in the process most of us forget to live a life which we really want to live and end up just trying to meet others expectations and also feel let down when others don’t live up to ours.

Now nothing good has ever come from expectations, I have tried and tested this my entire life.. early part of my life was filled with expectations from people around me, I expected my parents to behave a certain way, I expected my friends to behave a certain way, I expected my life to go a certain way and I was only met with disappointments along the way, it’s unbelievable how much of expectations I had built on people around me and how I had associated my happiness to those expectations and of course when things don’t go as you expect it turns into a emotional turmoil and you just hit rock bottom.

It took me about 3 years to change myself from a person who expects to a person who just gives, I still remember my college DEAN telling me and I quote “ In life you should only give and give and expect nothing in return and when your mindset has reached this state things will come back to you in multi folds” . Of course being a 23^rd old at that time I had no idea what the heck he was talking about and as I went through various stages in my life and having faced disappointments far too many times I decided to introspect and that’s when I remembered these words and it sort of made sense.

I started to take baby steps to change my attitude towards expectation, I slowly started NOT to expect and I started from home, for example my birthday or anniversary or any small thing I made a conscious effort not to expect, I did not want to expect any great things to happen on these special days and slowly but steadily I got into the habit of not expecting, I started at home with my loved ones and slowly moved to my friends and then at work and this transition took almost 3 years to complete and it was definitely not a easy transition to say the least.

I had to keep reminding myself over and over again NOT to expect anything and then I began to realize the changes, I was now more happy and less disappointed with people around me and felt whatever  they did for me came as a unexpected bonus and that was enough to make me happy but at the same time I had to remind myself that next time this may not happen and I should not expect.

Now, talking about living up to other people expectations, this falls into the give and give category, but before we do the giving bit it’s important for us to do a screening process and choose only close/core group of people  who matter to us and who mean a lot to us and these are the people to whom we should go all out to meet their expectations, we may do things just to make them happy even though you don’t believe or like the act but if it makes the core group happy then it’s worth it but if we try to do this with everyone and anyone then we are again setting ourselves for failure and disappointment.

I also realized we cannot please all of them all the time so I set out to find my core group and this group mainly consisted of my parents, my brother, my hubby, now my daughter and few close knit friends and its only to these individuals I will go all out to make them happy, their happiness is far more important to me than my own so if this requires few sacrifice’s along the way I will be happy to do so, if it requires me doing something I don’t particularly enjoy or love I will still do it just to see that smile on their face and this surely gives immense sense of satisfaction and happiness and its priceless.

But we cannot behave this way with everyone, it’s dangerous as it will completely consume you, I may sound selfish but I have had my huge share of disappointments so it’s crucial  to go all out for only those people who value the effort and not people who think it’s their birth right for us to meet their expectations.

Having said that there are days when I also wonder what is left in a relationship if you don’t have the right to expect from your loved ones, is it bad to expect a hug from my daughter as soon as I get home from office, is it too much to expect a smile from my hubby when he gets back home from office.. well no these simple small expectations is fine as long as you are the first who is initiating the process, if you want a hug from your daughter open your arms and welcome her in, she has no choice but to run to you and if you need a smile form your hubby you smile first and it will be returned and these are simple things I am trying to follow in my life.

I have realized happiness and bond does not come with money, or having a big house or loads of cash in your bank balance, it comes from things which does not cost anything, a simple hug, a smile, eating dinner together, simple everyday things can give far more pleasure and satisfaction than anything money can ever buy, I know people who earn less can argue otherwise but it’s worth giving a thought.. how much do we really need to live and be happy ? Can anyone give a perfect scale to say if you have X amount of money and house and bank balance you will be happy ? No, happiness is a state of mind and you can choose to be in a state of happiness when you want but you must be prepared to let go of too many things first and expectation along with greed is on top of the list.

Some of my favorite quotes on this topic.

“I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.”

Gestalt prayer

“The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations.”

Over Indulging our next generation.. is this justified or is this going to turn into a curse for our next generation ?

How often do I hear parents telling they want to give the BEST for their child ? How do one define BEST, is it the dollar value of the things that will be given or BEST in terms of what value that particular thing will add to your child’s life ?

Unlike previous generations like my Mom and Dad’s generation this generation with the globalization background have far more opportunities and better paying jobs which enables them to give that BEST to their child without second thoughts..

First child in a couple’s life is always a exciting and awesome experience, the couple usually go overboard with the stuff they want to do for their child and this tends to diminish as you have your second child, the lucky first  will start having stuff to play around, the equipments to ensure he/she is taken care of right from the time she/he is in the womb and most parents tend to go overboard and clutter the home with stuff that they would never ever use.

I am not arguing that nothing should be bought, again this is a matter of putting lot of thought into, is the stuff bought really going to be of any use or are we buying for the heck of it ? How about the availability of this product, is it easily available, if yes can I defer it and buy when there is a real need instead of stocking it at home without knowing if it’s really required ? And these simple thinking can save couple lots of dollars and also help reduce the clutter in the house.

As these kids grow up the intention of giving the BEST never diminishes, parents are on a constant roller coaster to provide the best to their child, starting from the First birthday of the child which has now turned into a EGO trip for most parents, the birthday parties are getting ridiculously lavish and more often than not is a chance for the parents to SHOW OFF to what extent they can go to make their child happy, but the fact is how much does a One year old really enjoy these parties ?

I have seen so many parents getting expensive toys or gifts that the child demands without giving any thought and in the process they are sending a wrong message to the child that  he/she is going to get everything in life easy and this prevents them from learning the art of handling situations when things don’t go their way, it might sound funny but these abilities needs to be built into the in kids right from young age, we need to consciously prepare them for the REAL world where they may not get whatever their heart desire and this trend of parents satisfying their child’s “unjustified” needs worries me to the core.

This trend has reached a point where young kid between ages 4 -10 years have started emotionally blackmailing parents into buying them stuff , they need Ipad as birthday gifts, they need vacation in Disney world as birthday present and the list is never ending and I have heard some demands which can really make your jaws drop, kids these days associate their “self-worth” to the things they possess and parents just because they cannot handle a child’s rejection will give in each time they blackmail, as parents we should know when to put our foot down and assess if the demands are justified and again what value is that going to add to child’s life ?

It’s scary to imagine a world where  individuals are associating their self worth to materialistic things and in countries like US this has become a major epidemic, the kids expect a lavish sweet 16 parties, they want big cars, big house and they associate their true value with how much money they have and no one is to blame but parents who feed their child’s ego right from young age and as they grow this turns from buying things for pleasure to buying things for just keeping them happy and avoid rejections and just FIT into societies NORM.

At the end of the day its again striking the right balance, there are certain things which a child needs and we should never ever deny these things from them but if the things are just to indulge and make the kid feel they have best of everything then this needs some serious thought, right from young age we as parents need to prepare them in some way for the REAL world, we should teach them to handle rejections, disappointments so that when they are teenagers or in college they handle disappoints better and in this instance I would like to bring the example of a recent incident of a 23^rd old ending her life just because her boyfriend dumped her and she wanted to take revenge on him, does this somewhere tie d to not getting what she desired among other emotional elements ? In a way yes, if she was used to disappointments and rejections I think she would have handled this situation better, here again there is a  element of ego, how did he dump ME ? Where is self worth here, why was she associating the value of her life to another person ? She could have taken revenge in so many different ways and these are the life skills we need to teach out kids right from young age.

We need to bring them up with lots of self confidence and self worth, we need to appreciate for what they are and hone their skills and capability and if money needs to be spent for these then it’s money well spent as these in the long run will make a strong individual will all the skills to take on this world and they will survive no matter how the external situation is and again in life who knows, one day you could be rich and top of the world and next day you can lose it all and that’s how lucid our world is moving to and no man is immune to this rule.

So it’s essential we build our next generation to face any situation head on and this can only be done when they believe in their true value and this strength can only come from within and not with(out) materialistic things.

Time to shun books which show pics of how a apple looks like, how a tree looks like and time to take our kids into the kitchen and show them how a apple looks or onion looks and take them to a park and show them how a tree looks like and get them to tough and feel the same , now this is real education without spending a dime and these simple techniques can be implemented at all level of their life but as parents we need to be strong to resist peer pressure and dare to be different and bring up our kids to be not one among the mob but STAND OUT and be proud about it !!

Are we putting pressure and stress on our loved ones without realizing we are, and, are we using them to unload all our emotional baggage…

Are we putting pressure and stress on our loved ones without realizing we are, and, are we using them to unload all our emotional baggage…

It’s a fact that we as people cannot be close to too many other people and open our hearts and souls to everyone and anyone, each of us will have a intense relationship with very few close set of individuals who match our sensibility and have similar thinking, and this group will include our family, our best friends and close group of friends.

Now this close group of people as much as we are open and honest with them we also sometimes take them for granted, somewhere in our hearts and minds we start to think we have right over them to just say anything we want and get away with it.

A recent incident in my life where I was being too demanding with a person’s time and attention and  did not realize how much it was affecting that person. We sometimes become so one dimensional towards these close set of people and not be aware of it, we most often expect lots of attention and love from this group that we forget to give and we forget to empathize with the situation that person is in.

But this act at least for me was not intentional and I was not aware that I was adding so much stress on this individual unless and until that person actually told me so and that’s when I took a step back and started to think and empathize and realized how selfish I was with my demands, be it for time, love or attention.

This can happen with our spouse, with our parents, with our siblings and friends, we always expect the other to give the attention, the love and time and never ever think if we are adding any unnecessary stress on them  with our unjustified demands and are we really failing to  empathize with their situation ?

This was when I again went into my thinking and reflection mode and decided that from then onwards I would not take anything for granted with these close set of people in my life, I will ensure before I demand their time or attention I would really try to understand the state they are in, are they in a state to give me what I want or are they in a state where they need the same from me and this understanding helps me to protect the relationship from falling apart.

I have also realized that even though these are your close or core group of people in life it may not be ideal to unload all our emotional baggage’s, we can’t always complain and keep telling our sob stories to them when they themselves might be going through a lot in their lives, but this is also not to say we should not, we definitely should share what we feel with this core group but we need to ensure we are  choosing the right time and when that individual is in the right frame of mind to listen and support as required.

Time is the key we need to learn to be patient with this close group of people as they are too precious to lose so before we demand or unload our agony we need to take a step back and make sure that person is not going through some sort of agony themselves or are not loaded with other things that are priority.

Patience is key and being aware of our loved ones situation and circumstance is key to have a lasting and beautiful relationship, We need to be in a relationship to give and give and that strengthens the bond and fills the relationship with lots of good memories and happiness and something you look forward to day in and day out  rather than getting into a mode of accusing and heartaches !

Living like a child without resentment and grudges...

Past 6 months has been an amazing journey for me simply because of my daughter as she graduated from being a infant to a toddler, she now understands feelings, emotions and knows how to react and reciprocate her feelings, this phase also has been a immense learning and growth experience for me.

Its only when you see your kid grow you realize you need to unlearn so many things in life or reset your belief systems or just reiterate the things we already know esp., with the way we react to situations and people.

Simple example is holding grudges against another human being, we as parents are so guarded towards our kids that we are constantly controlling them and disciplining them and in the process we often say and do things which the kid don’t like or feel hurt and they show their emotions by either crying or throwing stuff around.. but this feeling is so short lived., the min the parent shows care and give a warm hug and explain the reason behind this behavior the kid just bounces back from whatever they were feeling at that moment to a instant bright smile, the next min they behave perfectly fine with the parent who had early on annoyed them.

As we grow up this ability to forget the feeling of hurt diminishes and we fill our hearts and minds with grudges and resentment against  the individuals who have hurt us along the way., this baggage that we carry not only adds burden to our already stressful life it also affects any future relationship we get into.

As human beings we always draw upon past experiences and learning’s to shield ourselves from getting hurt in the new relationship that we form and more often than not this habit hinders and hurt the new relationship than nurture it.

Again bringing my daughters reference, will it not be easy if we adults can forget the past and get on with life without any grudges just like how kids do ? Can we forgive, not saying forget and move on in life so that we feel less burdened inside and be at peace with ourselves ?

This again needs lot of thinking and reflecting on the journey we have had and the kind of people we have met, I have had my fair share of bad experiences with people while I was in my early 20’s., it really took a while for me to comprehend why someone would hurt an another person so much and that’s when I decided to take control of my life and really channeled all my energy into studies and completing my masters and finding a good job and in this process I did hold a lot of resentment as I had not forgiven those who hurt me and this really affected my ability to TRUST people. I would never look at a person in the same way ever again, there used to be an element of preconceived notion already built in my head even before I knew the person and this habit of mine did affect relationships and I did miss out of possibilities of great friendships.

Then few years back I accidently stumbled on Oprah Winfrey show and the topic for that day was forgiving and in that show one incident which Oprah said hit the right cord or me.. She said and I quote “ I was angry with this one particular person for ages for something that she did to me and I accidently met her after many years and she did not even remember who I was “ and she said that is when she realized she has been carrying this burden on herself for years when the other person does not even remember the incident so the only person who really suffered in the process was “YOU” and only “YOU”.

This was a realization point for me too, I was holding resentment towards people who hurt me and I was constantly thinking about them and that’s when I realized I need to let go of all the grudges and resentment I was holding on to, and what did I do, I started to find out where these people where, at that time there were no social networking sites, so I contacted many  people and eventually found each one of them, I called them and spoke normally to them and they told me they were very happy I called and they did apologize to me for what they did and that definitely felt good and it was such a big release.

This exercise did help me to move on and it was from then on I started to learn to forgive people every time they hurt me but definitely not forget !!!  And another key lesson I learnt in the process is never to bring any past experience to a new relationship or existing relationship as this can only hinder and never help sustain that relationship.

So its key to let go of grudges and carry less baggage as we cruse along our lives and thanks to my daughter who keeps reminding me this day in and day out  !!

Can we live one moment at a time ...

How often in a day do we think about something that’s happened in the past or are anxious about something that’s going to happen in the future, how often do we in a day LIVE in the moment ? How many of us are consciously aware of the things we are doing at that moment, very few… we are either thinking about what’s going to happen in the future or thinking of how good or bad things were in the past.

Heard a beautiful song and the essence of the song is about living in the moment, living for TODAY,  the lyrics says past is a lie and future is a hope the only truth is Today and NOW, so why not just be in that precise moment and think only about that moment.. I must admit over the past years I have heard this statement a zillion times but I realized the true power only off late when I consciously made an effort to just be in the moment.

My mind is always filled with thoughts, I am constantly thinking and if you ask me about what, I would not be able to give you a definite answer as the thoughts would travel from past experiences to relationships in my life to anticipation of future, it’s just a spider web of all thoughts intertwined in some way or the other but the essence is I was always thinking and this caused immense stress in my daily life.

This was when I accidently stumbled on this song on YouTube and I must admit it defiantly changed my life, I made a conscious effort to live in the moment and think of only the things I was doing at that particular moment,, At first  it was hard as my mind would drift to other things easily but I made a conscious effort to bring back the thoughts and attention to the task at hand, if I am feeding my baby then I would do only that, If I was eating dinner I would concentrate on the stuff on plate, If I am on phone with someone then I would be only talking to that person and not doing other things at the same time , so small changes like these helped me bring back focus and made a huge difference to my thought process.

I am more at peace with myself and my mind appears more calm and collected , I can think clearly, I am in less conflict with myself and people around me, and, I am enjoying the things I am doing in greater magnitude than what I used to.

It is not bad to think about future and plan but there is no point in worrying about a day which we have no idea of and not even sure if we will even make it alive so all we have now is this moment and we have to live it to the fullest.

It’s natural for our minds to drift but we can control it and tame it and enrich our lives rather than waste our precious moments, so next time you feel your thoughts are drifting tame it and bring it back to the moment you are in and give your 100% to the task at hand, take control of your thoughts, you rule the thoughts and not the other way around.

Have we become slaves to technology..

In this time and age we are in some way measured by the gadgets we possess.. starting from latest I phone to I pads, IPods , latest SLRs, latest Television and the list goes on.. why has our lives become so intertwined with the gadgets around us.. it has come to a point where we cannot imagine a day without our cell phones, it has almost become a part of us and if the phone is not with us we feel as if we have lost a part of us..

Is this dependency really needed.. are we drifting more into living our life’s through the gadgets ? We maintain relationship through emails, sms, phone calls and less face to face meetings.. We tell the whole world what we are feeling and doing through social networking sites and refuse to speak about the issues with loved ones at home.

Japan a classic example of advanced technology has now become a depressed society, the human to human interaction is reducing and people are involved with their gadgets more, from dating online, to marriage to having a meal looking at a simulated beef steak, these are really the extremes of using gadgets in our life’s.

We need to maintain a balance and really assess the need to own a gadget before we buy it, if it’s a phone what is the purpose of a phone, do I need my phone to replace the time I could have spent with a friend or family or do I need a phone for mere communication at time of need, the assessment of the purpose of owning a gadget is far more important than actually researching on the net to look for good deals or latest innovation.

As days pass by the generation is moving closer to permanent depresses ion  and boredom in spite of all these mediums to interact and communicate, is this because somewhere in the process of this technological evolution we all have forgotten the human emotions ? When we interact with people through gadgets we can never assess what the other persons true feelings are, a person can put a smiley on a chat window but that may not be the true reflection of how he or she feels, since these human emotions are failed to be noticed there is no longer genuine and pure relationship and no one is to be blamed in these circumstances.

It’s easy to get lost in online games and watching movies alones, catching up on TV series but you are doing all these on your own and not sharing the experience with others.. eventually this habit will lead to individuals internalizing all the emotions and feelings and fill themselves up with depression and loneliness.

It’s hard to resist temptations of these gadgets but the key is to really to asses and take a step back and think of how these gadgets will contribute to our happiness, is it really going to add or negate ? Can we really do away with spending time on gadgets and spend more time with nature or with loved ones or friends ? At the end of the day I can vouch that people feel good to have a cup of coffee in a coffee shop and have face to face interaction than on a chat window or sms or messenger.

I have seen so many families in a restaurants who hardly talk to each other while eating but are busy with their phones, does  it not defeat the purpose of taking time out to spend with each other ? In this case was it really worth bringing that phone along ? Is phone so necessarily can that we cannot do away with for few hours in a day ?

It’s time to break free and add value and some form of integrity  to our relationships with family and friends and not be mere slaves to technology just for the sake of belonging or social status.

Use Gadgets and technology for enriching our own life than to be jailed into loneliness and depression, use these to gain more knowledge and insights than wasting time on games and frivolous things which in no way add value to your well being.

The power to choose is in our hands so it’s your day to choose, make the right decision !

Welcome Quote

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson