Expectations.. why does it fail us every time !!

Ex-pec-ta-tion – is the act or state of expecting ; As human beings its quite natural we EXPECT in all situations, be it from our relationships, our jobs, our community and list can go on and on and similarly we are also constantly trying to live up to expectations from our relationships, our jobs etc., so it’s a two way street and in the process most of us forget to live a life which we really want to live and end up just trying to meet others expectations and also feel let down when others don’t live up to ours.

Now nothing good has ever come from expectations, I have tried and tested this my entire life.. early part of my life was filled with expectations from people around me, I expected my parents to behave a certain way, I expected my friends to behave a certain way, I expected my life to go a certain way and I was only met with disappointments along the way, it’s unbelievable how much of expectations I had built on people around me and how I had associated my happiness to those expectations and of course when things don’t go as you expect it turns into a emotional turmoil and you just hit rock bottom.

It took me about 3 years to change myself from a person who expects to a person who just gives, I still remember my college DEAN telling me and I quote “ In life you should only give and give and expect nothing in return and when your mindset has reached this state things will come back to you in multi folds” . Of course being a 23^rd old at that time I had no idea what the heck he was talking about and as I went through various stages in my life and having faced disappointments far too many times I decided to introspect and that’s when I remembered these words and it sort of made sense.

I started to take baby steps to change my attitude towards expectation, I slowly started NOT to expect and I started from home, for example my birthday or anniversary or any small thing I made a conscious effort not to expect, I did not want to expect any great things to happen on these special days and slowly but steadily I got into the habit of not expecting, I started at home with my loved ones and slowly moved to my friends and then at work and this transition took almost 3 years to complete and it was definitely not a easy transition to say the least.

I had to keep reminding myself over and over again NOT to expect anything and then I began to realize the changes, I was now more happy and less disappointed with people around me and felt whatever  they did for me came as a unexpected bonus and that was enough to make me happy but at the same time I had to remind myself that next time this may not happen and I should not expect.

Now, talking about living up to other people expectations, this falls into the give and give category, but before we do the giving bit it’s important for us to do a screening process and choose only close/core group of people  who matter to us and who mean a lot to us and these are the people to whom we should go all out to meet their expectations, we may do things just to make them happy even though you don’t believe or like the act but if it makes the core group happy then it’s worth it but if we try to do this with everyone and anyone then we are again setting ourselves for failure and disappointment.

I also realized we cannot please all of them all the time so I set out to find my core group and this group mainly consisted of my parents, my brother, my hubby, now my daughter and few close knit friends and its only to these individuals I will go all out to make them happy, their happiness is far more important to me than my own so if this requires few sacrifice’s along the way I will be happy to do so, if it requires me doing something I don’t particularly enjoy or love I will still do it just to see that smile on their face and this surely gives immense sense of satisfaction and happiness and its priceless.

But we cannot behave this way with everyone, it’s dangerous as it will completely consume you, I may sound selfish but I have had my huge share of disappointments so it’s crucial  to go all out for only those people who value the effort and not people who think it’s their birth right for us to meet their expectations.

Having said that there are days when I also wonder what is left in a relationship if you don’t have the right to expect from your loved ones, is it bad to expect a hug from my daughter as soon as I get home from office, is it too much to expect a smile from my hubby when he gets back home from office.. well no these simple small expectations is fine as long as you are the first who is initiating the process, if you want a hug from your daughter open your arms and welcome her in, she has no choice but to run to you and if you need a smile form your hubby you smile first and it will be returned and these are simple things I am trying to follow in my life.

I have realized happiness and bond does not come with money, or having a big house or loads of cash in your bank balance, it comes from things which does not cost anything, a simple hug, a smile, eating dinner together, simple everyday things can give far more pleasure and satisfaction than anything money can ever buy, I know people who earn less can argue otherwise but it’s worth giving a thought.. how much do we really need to live and be happy ? Can anyone give a perfect scale to say if you have X amount of money and house and bank balance you will be happy ? No, happiness is a state of mind and you can choose to be in a state of happiness when you want but you must be prepared to let go of too many things first and expectation along with greed is on top of the list.

Some of my favorite quotes on this topic.

“I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.”

Gestalt prayer

“The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations.”