Free yourself of the responsibility of trying to make other people happy. Respect and love them enough to allow them to take care of their own happiness.

All my life I have always strived hard to please people around me and make them happy all the time and esp., when it comes to loved ones I have always put their needs and desires before mine and ensured they are happy with what I did for them even if it’s at the cost of me not enjoying the whole process.

Over the course of years I have come to realize doing this is such a emotionally draining task, if we are constantly trying to make people happy then there is no end to it, we will need to keep on doing things to consistently keep up with their expectations and this can be quite daunting.

A good friend of mine told me, it’s time to stop living for others, try living for yourself once!! Although at the time I heard this it did not feel like a big change in the way I was living, all I need to do is to do stuff which makes me happy and it will be fine but when it came to actually executing the same I was faced with innumerable challenges, I could feel more and more people being disappointed with me and distancing themselves from me and all of a sudden I was left with very very few friends and family members.

I was beginning to wonder what happened to all those days when I was relentlessly trying to keep them happy, have they conveniently forgotten those days? Is there something called as a return gesture or even if there is no return gesture is there something called as understanding and let a person be however they want for some time? Well thinking about these things are truly emotionally very draining and in a way you also get to know who are the people who really stand by you and who LOVE you for what you ARE and not for what you DO !!

Having started my spiritual journey and quest for deeper meaning in life I came across a article which mentioned “ Free yourself of the responsibility of trying to make other people happy, respect and love them enough to allow them to take care of their own happiness “ and this make a lot of sense to me.. How wonderful would it be if we can love a person for what they are and not build up any expectations or assume responsibility of their happiness, it’s takes so much pressure off you.

I just need to ensure my loved ones realize I will stand by them no matter what the circumstance is and do away with trying to keep them happy consistently... Happiness is a state of mind, I have started to come to believe no one can make anyone happy unless that person decides to be happy and in this case no matter how much I try I cannot make anyone happy so why assume that responsibility?

My dad always says, it’s not worth losing your happiness for anyone and I used to think this was very selfish of him to say such a thing but as I get older I realize where he is coming from, it’s nearly impossible to please all of them all the time, we do need to respect and love them and ensure we guide and seek guidance from our close family and friends but let go of the mission to make everyone happy, its only when I am truly happy with myself I can spread happiness around me and by spreading happiness I don’t  mean I am trying to make them happy but just emitting a positive vibe to people around me and hoping that vibe will pass on.

I have seen many great people who by their mere presence can emit a “Happy Vibe” which is truly a great thing and I have also seen many who carry such negative vibe that they immediately pull you down and I definitely want to be counted among the former group.

Learning this art of balance is not going to be easy but it’s important for me to know how to balance so that at 60 or 70 I don’t end up thinking where did my life pass by and what did I do that truly made me happy ? I am going to introspect on finding the things that make me happy and I am going to spend my time and energy on those than on making people happy who truly don’t value it anyways!!!

So it’s starting now, it’s starting today, Love and respect people, but don’t own their happiness it is something every individual need to own and not depend on other nor expect anyone else to get it for them!!

Art of Letting Go or Getting lost !!

Relationships are hard, they need constant nurturing, care and time commitment to keep it going and this needs to be done by both parties involved in the relationship and this topic is not limited to just husband & wife or boy friend, girl friend sort of relationship, it’s just about any relationship in your life.

While we are busy nurturing the various relationships in our lives it is quite possible we forget about some just coz of other priorities or just lack of interest to take it any further and it may so happen that one of them just give up and hibernate leaving the other person totally clueless of what happened and I hate such circumstances.

Its fine if the other person does not want to pursue the relationship or want to pause for sometime but the basic rule is to communicate the same to the other person involved, it would make life so much more easier for that person not to second guess or assume whole lot of things but to merely give the space and time required by the other person to sort out things and come back.

It just needs little bit of compassion to think about who might be hurt with such aloof behavior and just letting that person know that they are not the reason for them being aloof but other things in their lives which took precedence at that point in time. And even if that person is the reason for being aloof then it’s always good to talk it out and give that relationship a “closure” instead of leaving loose ends, this will hurt but eventually it will help both the parties move on as its clear it’s over and there is no scope to revive this relationship.

Letting go gets lot more easier if both are on same page instead of having to guess – Is it me, what did I say, What did I do etc., etc., I have always found these circumstances extremely disturbing and it just disrupts life around you as you are constantly consumed by the thought of “WHAT” happened ?

Learning the art of letting go, this has been a time consuming and mentally stressful exercise for me, I need to go through the phase of anger, frustration of not knowing what happened, then reflecting & introspecting and then eventually coming out with my own rationale of what must have happened and then move on to change your belief systems and then finally forgiving and letting go.. It’s such a long drawn process and its painful and all this can be saved if people involved in any relationship can be mature about it, have some compassion towards the other person and most importantly have RESPECT for other persons feelings and come out clean with their expectations.

Sometimes you get into relationship thinking it will help enrich your life and there is someone with whom you can talk your mind out and JUST BE YOURSELF but sometimes these sort of relationship takes the most harsh turn and end abruptly which is very very painful to say the least.

Well I do try to connect the dots and try to find silver lining as I go through the letting go and come to terms phase but sometimes it just leaves me more and more clueless and LOST!!

Be True to yourself and your beliefs and cut the hypocritical crap..

How often do we come across people in our daily life who are not true to their beliefs and portrait a totally different image to what they really are.. why is it so hard for individuals to be true to themselves and what they believe ?

Hypocrites are that way simply because they don’t believe in themselves, they can sway anyway easily depending on which way the wind blows, they want to project a image which is not true to their core beliefs, they either want to impress their family, their friends or just try to fit in because they don’t have the bone to stand up for what they believe.

These kind of people are hard to trust as they can be easily influenced into doing anything and its apt to use  a quote by Sigmund Freud   “He does not believe who does not live according to his belief.”

I have come across such people umpteen times who contradict his or her stated beliefs or feelings and every time I am wonderstruck how they can be that way, they profess a certain set of beliefs to the world and when they are in their cocoon and away from the watch of the world their true selves reveal and what’s worst is they try hard not to bring the true self so much so that they somehow start lying to themselves and they start to believe that’s the truth.

If you like doing something then you like it, there are no two ways to it and if you are matured enough and if the behavior is done in a rationale manner and not hurting anyone then what’s the harm in telling your loved ones about it, is it fear of being judged or fear of losing the false image you are portraying in front of them ? And by doing this are we being fair to our loved ones with whom I believe we need to have the most integrity, cause these are the core set of people in life who will accept us for what we are and still give us the same amount of Love and respect and in my opinion projecting a false image to them is like insulting the relationship.

Social networking sites these days also boost and harbor hypocritical beliefs, they see their friends do cool things and just to fit in these individuals project a image which is not true, how many of them are truly revealing their true self, how many of them get depressed just because another person is living a life which these individuals really want to lead and probably ARE but don’t come out in the open as they are scared of losing they false image ?

I just cannot stand such individuals and I definitely cannot put my trust in them, this behavior annoys me to the core and I try and keep away from these individual but this is not always possible, what if one of these individuals is your close friends? How do we then deal with the situation ? We can either choose to ignore it or choose to speak to them about it but either way the issue will not be resolved as they are hypocrites in the first place because they are not strong individuals, they don’t think for themselves and their thinking process is deeply intertwined with what the society dictates.

Learn to be true to yourself and your beliefs then people will invest their trust in you, it is not necessary they will agree or like what one believes but at least they will give that individual respect for standing up for one’s own beliefs.  On the flip side I have seen so many strong individuals who stick to their beliefs and are not ashamed to admit and show the world what they are and I truly admire and respect these individuals even though not necessarily agree or like their beliefs.

We cannot change people, but we have a option to keep a distance from such individuals and maintain a amicable relationship but yes I would think hard before I put my trust in such people and also believe what they say.

No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true..

                                                                                NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE, The Scarlet Letter

A Tiny Star... A proud moment in my life !

January 30^th 2010, 08.02 am is when a beautiful angel came into my life and I saw her for the first time.. It was not Love at first sight for me, my love for Mihika grew as days passed by and I got to know her more, each passing day the love I felt for her just grew multifold and she just enriched my life more than ever.

She changed my perspective towards life, she continues to teach something new every day, she is the reason for my smile each morning and I just love her so much.

Fast forward 21 months later here is my angel going to play school and I cannot forget the first day of her school when she went in crying and came out of the class looking all prettified, it just broke my heart , but as kids they adopt to the changes quickly and she started enjoying her time in school and today she made me proud.

Day – October 4^th 2011, My angel came home with a tiny green star pined on her school uniform and this was for being good in singing and I cannot express in words how proud  and happy I am feeling.

Hope she is blessed with many more such stars and she pursue to do what she really loved to do..

This is definitely a day to remember in my life J

Expectations.. why does it fail us every time !!

Ex-pec-ta-tion – is the act or state of expecting ; As human beings its quite natural we EXPECT in all situations, be it from our relationships, our jobs, our community and list can go on and on and similarly we are also constantly trying to live up to expectations from our relationships, our jobs etc., so it’s a two way street and in the process most of us forget to live a life which we really want to live and end up just trying to meet others expectations and also feel let down when others don’t live up to ours.

Now nothing good has ever come from expectations, I have tried and tested this my entire life.. early part of my life was filled with expectations from people around me, I expected my parents to behave a certain way, I expected my friends to behave a certain way, I expected my life to go a certain way and I was only met with disappointments along the way, it’s unbelievable how much of expectations I had built on people around me and how I had associated my happiness to those expectations and of course when things don’t go as you expect it turns into a emotional turmoil and you just hit rock bottom.

It took me about 3 years to change myself from a person who expects to a person who just gives, I still remember my college DEAN telling me and I quote “ In life you should only give and give and expect nothing in return and when your mindset has reached this state things will come back to you in multi folds” . Of course being a 23^rd old at that time I had no idea what the heck he was talking about and as I went through various stages in my life and having faced disappointments far too many times I decided to introspect and that’s when I remembered these words and it sort of made sense.

I started to take baby steps to change my attitude towards expectation, I slowly started NOT to expect and I started from home, for example my birthday or anniversary or any small thing I made a conscious effort not to expect, I did not want to expect any great things to happen on these special days and slowly but steadily I got into the habit of not expecting, I started at home with my loved ones and slowly moved to my friends and then at work and this transition took almost 3 years to complete and it was definitely not a easy transition to say the least.

I had to keep reminding myself over and over again NOT to expect anything and then I began to realize the changes, I was now more happy and less disappointed with people around me and felt whatever  they did for me came as a unexpected bonus and that was enough to make me happy but at the same time I had to remind myself that next time this may not happen and I should not expect.

Now, talking about living up to other people expectations, this falls into the give and give category, but before we do the giving bit it’s important for us to do a screening process and choose only close/core group of people  who matter to us and who mean a lot to us and these are the people to whom we should go all out to meet their expectations, we may do things just to make them happy even though you don’t believe or like the act but if it makes the core group happy then it’s worth it but if we try to do this with everyone and anyone then we are again setting ourselves for failure and disappointment.

I also realized we cannot please all of them all the time so I set out to find my core group and this group mainly consisted of my parents, my brother, my hubby, now my daughter and few close knit friends and its only to these individuals I will go all out to make them happy, their happiness is far more important to me than my own so if this requires few sacrifice’s along the way I will be happy to do so, if it requires me doing something I don’t particularly enjoy or love I will still do it just to see that smile on their face and this surely gives immense sense of satisfaction and happiness and its priceless.

But we cannot behave this way with everyone, it’s dangerous as it will completely consume you, I may sound selfish but I have had my huge share of disappointments so it’s crucial  to go all out for only those people who value the effort and not people who think it’s their birth right for us to meet their expectations.

Having said that there are days when I also wonder what is left in a relationship if you don’t have the right to expect from your loved ones, is it bad to expect a hug from my daughter as soon as I get home from office, is it too much to expect a smile from my hubby when he gets back home from office.. well no these simple small expectations is fine as long as you are the first who is initiating the process, if you want a hug from your daughter open your arms and welcome her in, she has no choice but to run to you and if you need a smile form your hubby you smile first and it will be returned and these are simple things I am trying to follow in my life.

I have realized happiness and bond does not come with money, or having a big house or loads of cash in your bank balance, it comes from things which does not cost anything, a simple hug, a smile, eating dinner together, simple everyday things can give far more pleasure and satisfaction than anything money can ever buy, I know people who earn less can argue otherwise but it’s worth giving a thought.. how much do we really need to live and be happy ? Can anyone give a perfect scale to say if you have X amount of money and house and bank balance you will be happy ? No, happiness is a state of mind and you can choose to be in a state of happiness when you want but you must be prepared to let go of too many things first and expectation along with greed is on top of the list.

Some of my favorite quotes on this topic.

“I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.”

Gestalt prayer

“The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations.”

Over Indulging our next generation.. is this justified or is this going to turn into a curse for our next generation ?

How often do I hear parents telling they want to give the BEST for their child ? How do one define BEST, is it the dollar value of the things that will be given or BEST in terms of what value that particular thing will add to your child’s life ?

Unlike previous generations like my Mom and Dad’s generation this generation with the globalization background have far more opportunities and better paying jobs which enables them to give that BEST to their child without second thoughts..

First child in a couple’s life is always a exciting and awesome experience, the couple usually go overboard with the stuff they want to do for their child and this tends to diminish as you have your second child, the lucky first  will start having stuff to play around, the equipments to ensure he/she is taken care of right from the time she/he is in the womb and most parents tend to go overboard and clutter the home with stuff that they would never ever use.

I am not arguing that nothing should be bought, again this is a matter of putting lot of thought into, is the stuff bought really going to be of any use or are we buying for the heck of it ? How about the availability of this product, is it easily available, if yes can I defer it and buy when there is a real need instead of stocking it at home without knowing if it’s really required ? And these simple thinking can save couple lots of dollars and also help reduce the clutter in the house.

As these kids grow up the intention of giving the BEST never diminishes, parents are on a constant roller coaster to provide the best to their child, starting from the First birthday of the child which has now turned into a EGO trip for most parents, the birthday parties are getting ridiculously lavish and more often than not is a chance for the parents to SHOW OFF to what extent they can go to make their child happy, but the fact is how much does a One year old really enjoy these parties ?

I have seen so many parents getting expensive toys or gifts that the child demands without giving any thought and in the process they are sending a wrong message to the child that  he/she is going to get everything in life easy and this prevents them from learning the art of handling situations when things don’t go their way, it might sound funny but these abilities needs to be built into the in kids right from young age, we need to consciously prepare them for the REAL world where they may not get whatever their heart desire and this trend of parents satisfying their child’s “unjustified” needs worries me to the core.

This trend has reached a point where young kid between ages 4 -10 years have started emotionally blackmailing parents into buying them stuff , they need Ipad as birthday gifts, they need vacation in Disney world as birthday present and the list is never ending and I have heard some demands which can really make your jaws drop, kids these days associate their “self-worth” to the things they possess and parents just because they cannot handle a child’s rejection will give in each time they blackmail, as parents we should know when to put our foot down and assess if the demands are justified and again what value is that going to add to child’s life ?

It’s scary to imagine a world where  individuals are associating their self worth to materialistic things and in countries like US this has become a major epidemic, the kids expect a lavish sweet 16 parties, they want big cars, big house and they associate their true value with how much money they have and no one is to blame but parents who feed their child’s ego right from young age and as they grow this turns from buying things for pleasure to buying things for just keeping them happy and avoid rejections and just FIT into societies NORM.

At the end of the day its again striking the right balance, there are certain things which a child needs and we should never ever deny these things from them but if the things are just to indulge and make the kid feel they have best of everything then this needs some serious thought, right from young age we as parents need to prepare them in some way for the REAL world, we should teach them to handle rejections, disappointments so that when they are teenagers or in college they handle disappoints better and in this instance I would like to bring the example of a recent incident of a 23^rd old ending her life just because her boyfriend dumped her and she wanted to take revenge on him, does this somewhere tie d to not getting what she desired among other emotional elements ? In a way yes, if she was used to disappointments and rejections I think she would have handled this situation better, here again there is a  element of ego, how did he dump ME ? Where is self worth here, why was she associating the value of her life to another person ? She could have taken revenge in so many different ways and these are the life skills we need to teach out kids right from young age.

We need to bring them up with lots of self confidence and self worth, we need to appreciate for what they are and hone their skills and capability and if money needs to be spent for these then it’s money well spent as these in the long run will make a strong individual will all the skills to take on this world and they will survive no matter how the external situation is and again in life who knows, one day you could be rich and top of the world and next day you can lose it all and that’s how lucid our world is moving to and no man is immune to this rule.

So it’s essential we build our next generation to face any situation head on and this can only be done when they believe in their true value and this strength can only come from within and not with(out) materialistic things.

Time to shun books which show pics of how a apple looks like, how a tree looks like and time to take our kids into the kitchen and show them how a apple looks or onion looks and take them to a park and show them how a tree looks like and get them to tough and feel the same , now this is real education without spending a dime and these simple techniques can be implemented at all level of their life but as parents we need to be strong to resist peer pressure and dare to be different and bring up our kids to be not one among the mob but STAND OUT and be proud about it !!

Are we putting pressure and stress on our loved ones without realizing we are, and, are we using them to unload all our emotional baggage…

Are we putting pressure and stress on our loved ones without realizing we are, and, are we using them to unload all our emotional baggage…

It’s a fact that we as people cannot be close to too many other people and open our hearts and souls to everyone and anyone, each of us will have a intense relationship with very few close set of individuals who match our sensibility and have similar thinking, and this group will include our family, our best friends and close group of friends.

Now this close group of people as much as we are open and honest with them we also sometimes take them for granted, somewhere in our hearts and minds we start to think we have right over them to just say anything we want and get away with it.

A recent incident in my life where I was being too demanding with a person’s time and attention and  did not realize how much it was affecting that person. We sometimes become so one dimensional towards these close set of people and not be aware of it, we most often expect lots of attention and love from this group that we forget to give and we forget to empathize with the situation that person is in.

But this act at least for me was not intentional and I was not aware that I was adding so much stress on this individual unless and until that person actually told me so and that’s when I took a step back and started to think and empathize and realized how selfish I was with my demands, be it for time, love or attention.

This can happen with our spouse, with our parents, with our siblings and friends, we always expect the other to give the attention, the love and time and never ever think if we are adding any unnecessary stress on them  with our unjustified demands and are we really failing to  empathize with their situation ?

This was when I again went into my thinking and reflection mode and decided that from then onwards I would not take anything for granted with these close set of people in my life, I will ensure before I demand their time or attention I would really try to understand the state they are in, are they in a state to give me what I want or are they in a state where they need the same from me and this understanding helps me to protect the relationship from falling apart.

I have also realized that even though these are your close or core group of people in life it may not be ideal to unload all our emotional baggage’s, we can’t always complain and keep telling our sob stories to them when they themselves might be going through a lot in their lives, but this is also not to say we should not, we definitely should share what we feel with this core group but we need to ensure we are  choosing the right time and when that individual is in the right frame of mind to listen and support as required.

Time is the key we need to learn to be patient with this close group of people as they are too precious to lose so before we demand or unload our agony we need to take a step back and make sure that person is not going through some sort of agony themselves or are not loaded with other things that are priority.

Patience is key and being aware of our loved ones situation and circumstance is key to have a lasting and beautiful relationship, We need to be in a relationship to give and give and that strengthens the bond and fills the relationship with lots of good memories and happiness and something you look forward to day in and day out  rather than getting into a mode of accusing and heartaches !